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Grief as Negation
God is most often described in the positive. By this, I mean positive attributes. For example, people describe God as joy, happiness, all knowing, ever present, creative, and merciful. These are positive attributes of God. Some religious traditions, however, prefer to understand God in the negative. Not as in God is negative, but in… Read more
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Toll for Thee
Here I am again, at the public library. I have my seat looking out the window. I come here to write to minimize distraction and, hopefully, enter sacred space. Unlike my last writing visit to the library, there’s no snow today. Spring is visibly here and color is pressing into the landscape. Trees are budding… Read more
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Nearing Six Months
Hello, Friends. March is flying by and we will soon be resting squarely on April 8th. Nearly six months ago, October 8th, Cooper put on his angel wings and halo and left us. Man, that was a rough day. They do not get tougher. As you know, I have been blogging through my grief. When… Read more
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Resilience
I have been a teacher of resilience. For real. I’ll spare you the details and save them for another time. There’s a particular movie I like to share and talk about in my resilience classes: Leave No Trace. Leave No Trace is the story of a combat veteran suffering from mental health issues while raising… Read more
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Cracked Ones
A few weeks back, on impulse, I asked my wife, “do you care if I drive to Tennessee to see my brother and stay for the weekend?” She didn’t mind, and so I asked my brother the same. He said, “get on out here.” I drove to TN, just east of Knoxville, a 12-hour drive… Read more
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Good Grief
Chapter 1 I don’t know why, but I have always imagined I would live my life in three narrative arcs; three overlapping, but distinct phases. If my life’s a story, there are three chapters. Inshallah. My first chapter was physical, the second phase intellectual, and the third phase I intend to be spiritual. In… Read more
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As If
My heart longs for my son, Cooper. Every single day. As if. It’s winter. My bones hurt from this pressing cold; I am cold from the inside out. The sky is sorrowful grey, sad and droopy. These winter clouds are pushing down into the treetops seeking life and color. Any color, even the bare… Read more
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Aftermath
I underestimated the Christmas holiday and the emotional impact it would have on me. I thought, it’s a special day, sure, but still it’s just another day without my son, why would it be different from all of the other days? I wish I could explain why it was different, but I can’t. It’s felt,… Read more
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Shadow Casting
As I have journeyed through this life, I have experienced hardship. I’m not alone, you’ve experienced hardship, too. I know that. We might call hardship, suffering. I’ve experienced hardship in my marriage, in my work, in my finances, in my faith, in my health, and in my relationships. As I have navigated these various hardships, it has always… Read more
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Monk or Millionaire
As I continue to marinate in grief, I feel and I think. I process. In thinking, I have three major regrets as Cooper’s father. The first, I regret the day I ever put a smart phone in Cooper’s hands. Secondly, though it was not my choice, I regret that I did not push back harder… Read more
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Poundmakers
When we lived in Montana for a few seasons of life, I was invited to attend a few Powwows. They spoke to me. With Cooper dying, I often find myself looking to art, listening to music, reading poetry, trying to find the words to express the deep place hurting inside me. I found a video… Read more
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Made it Better
Many years ago, in Phoenix, Arizona, I attended one of those generic leadership seminars. I honestly cannot for the life of me remember the name of the event. It was held at what was then known as the Phoenix Coliseum, and today is known as the Arizona Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum. It was a packed event… Read more
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Riptide
Cooper James was born June 5th, 2000. Historically, June 5th is an interesting day. Here are a few examples, Cooper was born in Glendale, Arizona at what used to be Arrowhead Community Hospital. Cooper is my wife’s third child, and so he slipped right on out of that dilated cervix. Really, he kind of did.… Read more
Endure 